Jun's real thoughts
by Digimon Caislean
Summary: Jun consoles to her diary about her life and her feelings about Matt


JUN'S REAL THOUGHTS

**JUN'S REAL THOUGHTS  
By Digimon Caisleán**

Disclaimer: I don't have anything to do with Digimon. I write for fun!  
Please read and review. Thanks :)

Dear Diary,  
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in ages but I didn't really have a need to but now I desperately need you. I have no one to turn to, no one that would understand the pain and suffering that I am going through. No friends and my family would never be able to understand. The only one I can turn to is you a pen and an empty page that will soon be filled with the problems that torture my soul to near extinction. I know that if I tried to tell someone words would not come out of my mouth yet the words would be screaming through my mind.

I'll tell you what happened for I find that at the moment I can only express how I feel and what's going on in word's on an empty page. Yesterday the boy of my dreams, my savior, the only one that makes sense in my messed up life Matt Ishida told me that he never wanted to go out with me and that he never liked me. Those very words destroyed my heart. My heart. The heart I had given him. I always knew he didn't like me. I was in denial. I was living in hope. Hope for that one day he would feeling the same way I feel about him. His harsh words came at me like a bullet to my heart. I can still feel the pain intensifying with every lonely moment that passes by. 

I had lost my appetite for I felt it wasn't my stomach that wasn't hungry but my heart. My heart was hungry for Matt's love. I just feel so compelled to keep this bottled up inside me forever. That I love someone who doesn't love me back. I feel so stupid, so useless in every possible way. I know my life will amount to nothing and why should it if I don't have Matt by my side.

I went to bed with a headache at about 10 o'clock last night. I thought I'd be ok or that it was all my imagination and I could escape into my dreams. I was only too wrong. As soon as I got into my bed I turned of the light. I was then consumed by the darkness and the grief of Matt's rejection. I did my usual routine of crying myself to sleep which was the only place I could find release from my little pathetic life. Not anymore though my dreams have been cursed with unimaginable amounts of pain and suffering. There is no escape from sleep. Its like death. You are assured it will happen. It is inedible. I am a prisoner of my own sub-conscious mind. Oh, Matt why can't you rescue me from this prison with no walls.

When I woke up I was shaky. I was very pale. I couldn't get the horrific images out of my head. I cried out Matt's name only to be deafened by the silence. No one could hear me. I was all alone. I felt so sick from that thought that I threw myself out of my bed. I tried to make my way to the toilet. My legs that now felt like jelly buckled underneath me. I was not in my right state of mind. I fell on the floor throwing up all around me. The vomit got everywhere in my hair, on my bedclothes but that was the least of my problems. I tried to get up. I was to weak, too badly shaken by Matt's words but I knew that I must get up or I would suffocate in my own vomit. At that moment dying seemed quite appealing, resting in an eternal blissful sleep. The next moment I found some strength. Properly adrenalin. I pulled myself up with no need anymore to go to the bathroom I lay back down on my bed thinking of my angel Matt. I suppose thinking of him has eased me a bit. It is only a matter of time before I am forced to go back to my sub-conscious prison.

The next day  
Dear Diary,  
I feel I need to write to you again in my most desperate hour. I've just gotten home from school. I'm a bit later today because I walked slowly. I properly felt if I dragged the day out longer I wouldn't have to go to bed so soon. My whole world is falling apart. I can't concentrate at school. I stare blankly out the window at the birds wishing I as free as them. I've gone from been a B student to been a F student. My teachers don't know what to do with me. I won't listen, concentrate or work. I feel invisible. My classmates don't even know I'm there. I sometimes wonder would they notice if I suddenly stood up an screamed. Properly not. My friends are worse. They're too interested in boys or music or what happened last Saturday night. Yet the only thing I can think of is Matt Ishida. The images of my nightmares have been playing in my head all day long. I keep asking myself unanswerable questions. What do these dreams mean? Am I going crazy? Why me? Is my sub-conscious mind trying to tell me something and if so what? Why can't Matt love me? Who am I?

No matter how hard I try I can't find the answers to these complex questions. Maybe one day I will wake up from this never ending nightmare and be able to live a normal fulfilled life, but one things for sure the only person who will be able to wake me from this nightmare is Matt my angel of friendship.  
Jun

THE END: Well, what did you think of it? This is my seventh fic that I've written and I'm a beginner at this is well so I need to learn from my mistakes! Please review it and tell me what you think. Thanks :) 


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